Losing my mom was one of the hardest things I have ever been through. But my grief was never simple. It was tangled up with pain, with questions I never got to ask, and with a goodbye I never got to say.

When she passed, I wasn’t ready. I don’t think you ever are. But what made it harder was that I carried something else alongside the sadness — the memory of feeling like I wasn’t chosen. There came a time when she chose her husband over me, her own daughter. That hurt in a way that is hard to put into words. It sat right next to my love for her, and both things were true at the same time.

That is what made grieving so confusing. How do you mourn someone when you are also still hurting from what they did? How do you miss someone and feel angry and still love them all at once? I did not have a clean answer. I still don’t.

If I could say anything to her now, I would tell her I love her. And I would ask her why she didn’t believe me. That question lives in me still.

What helped me was going to counselling. Just having a space to talk about it — to say all the messy, complicated things out loud without having to make them tidy — that made a difference. Grief doesn’t need a neat ending. I had to learn that. Some things don’t get resolved. You just learn to carry them differently.

If you are grieving someone who also hurt you, I want you to know that what you feel makes sense. It is okay to grieve. There will be hard days and there will be good days. Both will come. And you do not have to go through it alone. Support is there for you. You are allowed to reach for it.